Tag: humor

Fire And Ice

Mitch told me this morning that we were the same story, just different editions so you wind up with the same story content being on different pages.  I asked him to explain what he meant.  He said that when I ask if he’s happy his usual answer is that he’s okay.  Okay to him is that yes, he’s happy and content.  He went on to say that while his happiness level on a scale of ten, he is maybe a five or a six (perfect for him), my happiness level is closer to a nine or a ten.  The reason for his declaration was that yesterday I had confronted him and asked point blank if he was happy because he had been walking around for almost a year now with this look of desperate misery.  He has been more closed than normal and giving off people repellent vibes.  I gave him the chance to clear the air and tell me up front what it would take for him to be happy.  I’m a true believer in making yourself happy because no one else out there is going to.  If you can’t be happy and content with yourself how can you possibly be happy in any kind of relationship?

I have to explain something about Mitch.  Mitch is reserved, closed and mostly very stoic. A classic introvert.  I think he was born old, an old soul is how his mother used to describe him.  Me, I’m probably never going to grow up. Where is the fun in that?  I on the other hand am open, happy most of the time and very demonstrative.  An extrovert through and through.  He was raised in a family that didn’t touch much, very little hugging, while I was raised in a family that hugged and kissed all the time.  We told each other that we loved them (not my brother when he was kid – yuck!).  That was a real challenge for Mitch, getting used to me touching and kissing him especially in public.  In reality we are total opposites, maybe that is what attracted me to him, the quiet reserve.  I wanted to dig and uncover the fire underneath all the layers.  And yes there is a fire way down deep.

He went on to explain that he is very task oriented and focuses all of his attention and energy on the one task at hand.  He does not multi-task well.  That was why he was coming off distracted.  It’s like a news reel in his head, total focus on the current project or problem.  Right now it is the remodel of the dining room and before that, The Great Bathroom Remodel, where every forward progress was accompanied with two steps back.  Maybe I’m working him too hard. 

I know that I’m a challenge to live with and he certainly is too, but isn’t that half the fun, having to figure out what truly makes us tick?

Happy Birthday AJ

We acquired AJ when he was two years old.  He was a shy black lab with somber eyes that were slightly hooded, like a bird of prey.  His flight instincts were and still are very strong.  He was afraid of just about everything.  We discovered very quickly that we would have work very hard to get him to overcome his fears of the unknown.  AJ had never seen stairs and had no idea how to walk up or down them.  He had never walked on hardwood and tile floors.  The first week he was with us, we had to run a trail of throw rugs and towels throughout the house in order to get him from one side of the house to the other.  People terrified him.  He would hide behind me in order to get away from well meaning strangers.  AJ was and still is the most beautiful hunting dog I’ve ever seen in the field.  Graceful, fast and always in the right place to point, yes he’s a pointing lab, and flush the ever elusive pheasant.  He is most alive out in the field working a hot scent.

Ten years later, AJ is one of our “official greeter” dogs, ready to greet anyone that wants to give away a few pets or ear scratches.  His eyes are still soft and sweet when he looks at me, there is a complete devotion that I don’t think I will ever see in a dog’s eyes ever again.  AJ loves me as much as I love him.  He lays next to the bathtub when I take a shower and is a constant companion. 

He has slowed down a bit over the years.  His clownish antics are fewer and farther apart, though he will still wrestle briefly with Orso, but he can’t hang with the big dogs for long.  AJ has some gray hair on his chin, but not that much.  His hips are still strong and can jump in and out of the station wagon easily.  His depth perception is starting to deteriorate.  AJ struggles going from bright rooms to darker doorways, which breaks my heart, knowing that he is aging so I have to be grateful for the time I still have with him.  

But not today.  Today is AJ’s birthday.  He turns twelve years old today.  For breakfast we had peanut butter, one of AJ’s favorites and for dessert tonight, it will be frozen pumpkin yogurt pops.  Even if AJ doesn’t quite get the reason for the special treats I do.  AJ was and is truly a gift to me and I’ve been so lucky he came to live with us.

The Wrong Spot

When we demolished and rebuilt our deteriorating retaining wall, we found a huge granite boulder buried under the wall.  We paid someone to come and unearth it for us.  He unearthed it easily and even placed the boulder in the exact spot I wanted it moved to.  In front of our house is a flat area that people will park on to visit the people across the street.  Digging ruts in our yard and never bothering to ask if we mind.  I have long been contemplating various possible solutions to the problem. Landmines, punji sticks and curled razor wire seemed a bit over the top, but I was getting close to my wit’s end as to what to do.  I had long considered a boulder but the size I needed was cost prohibitive, so it was very timely that we literally were sitting on the very solution to my problem and a legal solution to boot.  Bonus!  Of course when the man with the backhoe came out and moved the boulder for us the offending neighbors were out in force to watch with great interest.  Questions were asked as to why I had it put there and to be polite I just said that it was the perfect spot.  I would plant some ornamental grasses around it and how pretty it would look and yada-yada-yada.  Nothing was said at the time about my rock putting a damper on our yard being a parking spot, maybe they hadn’t figured it out yet.  I just played it off as being totally oblivious to anything but my new rock. 

I decided to dig up some of my ornamental grass that has just taken over and is growing in places I don’t want it to, and replant in clumps around the back of the boulder to accentuate the rock.  Plus it makes the rock look even bigger.  Another bonus; rock looks bigger, takes up more space!  Of course while I’m digging holes around the rock, a neighbor comes over to ask what I was doing.  I looked down at the holes and the temptation was strong to tell him that I had hacked Mitch up and  was burying body parts around the boulder, but I restrained myself and explained the obvious, since the grass was laying in clumps next to the rock.  Just as I was finishing up planting the last clump, the neighbor turned and told me that I had put the rock in the wrong spot.  I looked around, played dumb and said, “The wrong spot?  Really?”  Since I wasn’t playing into it, he had no opening to say that I’d ruined an awesome parking spot for anyone that wanted to use our yard as a Parking Spots R Us.  He said that if I wanted to sit on the rock the only view I had was his house.  I said that maybe someone would sit there to wait for a bus.  The only bus that comes by is a school bus and it doesn’t stop here.  He said that maybe he would sit on my rock.  Again the temptation was great to say something really wicked and evil, but all I said was that he could sit on my rock whenever he wanted to.

But now I’m worried that if want to do anymore landscaping I’ll put it in the wrong spot.

Five Tired Puppies

Swimming was a huge success as usual.  The day was beautiful, clear skies, warm around 85° a bit windy though, which kept us from baking.  AJ couldn’t wait to jump off the dock and will jump into the water, retrieve the drop, swim back and race to the end of the dock to do this over and over until he is totally exhausted.  Happy and wiped out.  Charlie won’t jump off the dock but wades out until he can’t touch anymore then gingerly steps out and starts tentatively swimming until he remembers, oh yeah, I can do this.  He’ll retrieve the drop only if no other dog is close to him  in the water.  Strange dog, I know.  Orso will get in the water, paddle around to cool off then stand on the end of the dock wistfully watching the boats go by hoping someone will come take him for a ride.  He’s a gentlemen’s dog wishing for the good life.

 

Our friends dogs, Murphy a large German Shepherd, loves to swim just for the sake of swimming.  He will paddle around in circles, back and forth enjoying the moment, just being in the water.  Stella, a Belgian Malinois Chow mix loves jumping off the dock to retrieve a pink Frisbee.  She’s also good at retrieving the wayward drop or Frisbee that one of the other dogs gives up on.  We’ll just point at or throw a rock out where we want her to go and she’ll jump off and go get it just like a champ.   

The afternoon is not just swimming though.  Oh no, in between the dock diving and swimming, there is tag, keep away and MMA Style wrestling.  Charlie is the usual instigator of keep away, he’ll come out of the water with a drop in tow and take off running begging everyone to give chase.  Tail tucked, butt down and head up jinxing and jagging running around like a lunatic with three other dogs giving their best effort to run him down.  If one of the other dogs catches up with him, then the chest bumping and neck chewing begins.  Orso is the usual recipient of the neck chewing.  A rousing game a tag follows neck chewing, Orso runs away and the other try to tag him and drag him down.  Finally a cooling dip in the water rejuvenates the gang of hooligans.  This is repeated about three or four times before the dogs are finally spent and ready to walk back home for a bath and dinner.  Frosty pumpkin pops for dessert.  Life doesn’t get much better than this.  I wish my life was as simple.

 

My Scathingly Brilliant Idea

I came up with this scathingly brilliant idea on our walk this morning.  Saturday is Mitch’s day off too so we get to sleep in, as late as 4 to 4:30am if we’re lucky.  The morning was really pleasant, around sixty nine degrees or so, a great morning for a walk.  The sun hadn’t been up long, about 6:30 when we got to the dam, no one else was around.  It really is the best time of the day, quiet, the sun just up, it’s so peaceful. 

Anyway, as we turned around to walk back, I looked over at the swim beach and all of the migratory geese that don’t migrate anymore, just hang out and poop all over the place.  Why should they go anywhere, we have no natural predators around anymore, besides the wayward car or some sicko with a pellet gun.  They’re not even afraid of the dogs, only because we won’t let them go after the geese. (Federally protected, lucky geese)  That’s when I came up with this scathingly brilliant idea.

I think we should release alligators in the lake at night, then catch and pen them up during the day.  Watch gators to protect the lake.  We would even put up signs, to alert the public.  Big signs posted around the lake saying, ” Beware – Watch Gators Swim At Own Risk”.  It’s a win-win situation.  Geese go away, trespassers get eaten. 

Mitch looked at me like I was crazy when I told him my idea.  He asked just how were we supposed to catch the alligators in the mornings.  I said  that we would get trained alligators.  Trained to come when they were called.  It could happen. 

He said I was warped.  Maybe I am.

Spring Fever

Spring has brought out the playfulness

AJ Preparing for battle

Orso checking to see if anyone will chase him

Charlie with his game face on

An Abusive Relationship

“Are you in an abusive relationship?”  the Emergency Room admitting clerk softly asked me looking me straight in the eye, watching my reaction carefully.

Mitch was sitting behind her across from me oblivious to the question.  Did he know how lucky he is I like him?  With just a slight change in my expression or lifted eyebrows not to mention if I had burst into tears, it would have been a long time before Mitch saw the light of day again.  I was sitting in the Emergency Room admitting office with the two bones at the end of the middle finger on my left hand jutting at an odd angle for the second time in a three month period for the same injury. Maybe that was why she asked, or maybe it is standard procedure to ask every woman that comes to the emergency room with an injury.

Absolutely I was in an abusive relationship, but the abuser was me not Mitch.  I am the clumsiest the person I know.  I find new ways to cut, burn or bruise myself every day.  I walk into walls, miss doorways and trip over my own two feet.  Mitch is always amazed at the unique and seemly innocuous items that have the ability to draw blood on me.

This time I had been doing yard work while Mitch was working on one of the cars.  I walked into the garage to get my garden cart and noticed a spider walking across the top of the cart.  I hate bugs, spiders in particular and usually scream loudly and flee the immediate area as quickly as I can, knowing that they will hunt me down and eat me if given the chance.  But on this day, I was wearing gloves making me invincible, or so I thought.  I wanted my cart and here was this gigantic menace keeping me from my cart.  Mitch was under the car so he was no help, I would just have to confront the monster myself.  As the spider walked nonchalantly the top of the cart toward the edge to disappear and prepare for a sneak attack I decided to swat him with my gloved hand.  I swung my hand down with such force to annihilate the beast and caught the top edge of the cart causing the first two bones on my middle finger to dislocate and jut up on top of the third bone and knuckle of the finger. 

As usual I starting crying like a baby, causing Mitch to come up from under the car to see what I had done to myself again.  He offered to pull the bones back into place for me.  Are you kidding me?  I told him I wanted to go to the emergency room and I wanted him to take me.

He looked at me and said, “I am right in the middle of fixing the exhaust on the car, can’t you drive yourself?”

“Fine I’ll just walk then, don’t worry about me.  I’ll be fine, I can take care of myself.”  I wanted some sympathy and wasn’t getting it.

He dropped his tool on the floor and said, “Fine let’s go.”

I wanted to get cleaned up first because I was filthy and sweaty from the yard work but “No!” Mitch said that if he had to go dirty so did I.  No fair.  So here I sat sweaty with dirt and grass stains on my clothes sitting in the emergency room waiting for a shot to numb my hand and have a trained professional jerk my finger back in place.

AJ How Could You?

This day started very early as all Sundays do.  We get up at 2:30 in the morning because Sunday is Mitch’s Monday and has to be at work at 4:30 in the morning.  I get up with him, feed the dogs, fix breakfast and take him to work. We started this routine years ago when we worked different schedules and this was the best way to get to spend as much time together as we could, snippets of time.  It has worked for us mainly because we like each other.  We like to spend our free time together.  Odd I know.  Anyway, I dropped him off at work came home and took the dogs for a nice long walk.  That’s one of the bonuses of Sunday, I don’t have to go to work so the dogs and I get to take a really long walk very early before anyone else is up.  It’s quiet and the only things I run into in the morning is deer and small critters.

After the walk, we curled up on the bed and the dogs napped while I read the newspaper and enjoyed my morning coffee.  The day looked like it would turn out nice, no storms as the weather service predicted.  I decided that we should go to the lawn and garden store and buy some herbs to pot.  I like to grow herbs and dry them.  It has worked out well so I decided to branch out and add more variety to the mix.  I take the dogs with me for company and they wait in the car barking and scaring anyone who walks past the car.  Plus when they are with me then they’re not getting into trouble at home.  Bonus.

I potted the herbs I bought and decided to plant the five pepper plants I bought too.  I thought that I would wait another week on the tomato plants but saw a Poblano pepper plant and haven’t tried that variety before so I snagged it.  Plus four more red pepper plants, I couldn’t help myself. 

The dogs were just hanging out sniffing stuff while I planted the pepper plants, I looked up and noticed no AJ.  He had wandered off.  I looked around to make sure he hadn’t gone over to the neighbors to poop in their yard, no sign of him there.  I looked up the hill and spotted him up under the Cedar tree. I called him to come down to me and as he got close I was sorry I had called him.  He stunk to high heaven.  He had dropped his head into something and mashed it all over his neck and side of his face.  Now I had to stop what I was doing, take AJ to the basement garage and bathe him.  And of course I had just put Frontline on the dogs this morning.  AJ how could you?  You’re supposed to be the good dog.

One Week and No Shopping

It’s been a week now and no more shopping in the kitchen while we’re not home.  Fresh batteries make all the difference in the world.  That and moving the transmitter closer to the entryway hall.  Evidently  someone or some ones got shocked and got the hint.  Stay out!   Now Orso and AJ wait to be invited into the kitchen.  Maybe I should feel guilty, but I don’t.  It’s not that I enjoy their pain, in fact I can’t stand see any of them get shocked, but lord I am so tired of cleaning up after the mayhem and destruction or re-purchasing things that have been broken when they get bored. 

Does that make me a bad pet owner?  Maybe, but I like to think that this was the best decision we could make under the circumstances.  We can’t afford to take them to doggie daycare four to five days a week.  Crating didn’t work for AJ, he just destroyed crates, both the metal and the plastic airline crates.  A dog isn’t much of a watch dog in a crate anyway.  He can bark, but little else.  I don’t think Cesar Milan would come to our home.  Our problem isn’t television viewing worthy.  How would he even correct the problem?  We could set up webcams to see who the culprit(s) might be.  Then what, hide in the bathroom off the kitchen to wait for the culprit to come shopping, then jump out and issue a correction?  My luck Cesar would jump out to catch the dog or dogs in the act, startle them so badly they attack him and we get sued.  Now that would be television viewing worthy, us in court.

It is really maddening  because when we’re home everything is wonderful.  It’s like having three large rugs that occasionally change location on the floor.  I keep the television on when I leave so they hear human voices and don’t feel alone.  Maybe that’s the problem, I have the wrong channel on.  We just don’t know what gets them going and when.  Is it right after I leave, sometime in the middle or right before I get home?  I guess we really should set up a webcam, if for nothing else than the entertainment value.  I could upload the antics on You Tube then everyone could feel my pain.